The Continuity of Incontinence

Throughout the human experience there exists a small number of universal truths shared by the entire species. These common truths transcend race, gender, religion, politics, and age. These truths offer us a rare glimpse of a simpler, more primitive connection we all share but evermore rarely encounter. The fundamental nature at the core of these extraordinary truths is absolute humility.

The ability to humble and be humbled is a human quality we share with no other species. Unfortunately humility has become scarce and inconsequential in a modern world. Our lives are congested with material acquisition and an obsession with the outwardly projection of one’s self worth. Regrettably humility is not pursued and in many cases has been replaced by it’s opposite, a desire to accumulate and project greatness weather that greatness be real or imagined. With each passing instance we unwittingly contribute to the great de-humbling of the human being.

Humility allows for a peaceful civilization and a productive co-existence based on mutual respect. Fortunately for humanity and modern humans the ability to connect to raw humility is not forever lost or as distant as we might desire it to be.  I recently had the opportunity to feel this basic human connection that is so vital for our species to thrive.  Pure humility is as close as your next public bowel movement and/or urination event.

 My plumbing had been backed up since last Monday. I was administered 3 stool softener pills over 12 hours with nothing to show for my efforts. My buffet of prescriptions was giving me unbearable heartburn so the staff was topping me off with milk of magnesia after every dose of painkillers (every 2-4 hours). In addition the inside of my mouth is being medicated with a Lidocaine rinse that is swallowed to numb the mouth and throat. My nurses were also applying a Lidocaine ointment to my blistery nether regions. The process leaves me quite numb on most fronts.

First came the golden showers. I felt the urge to pee and began the process of untangling my IV drip cords and readying the IV caddy for the stroll to the bathroom. Halfway to the bathroom I realized that I was leaving a trail, I was currently peeing myself and had been peeing myself to the point that when I actually made it to the commode there was no need. Humiliated I called for a nurse to help with my bedding, clothing and a mop. I was ashamed and crying when she showed up, she talked me down and assured me that I was just fine and everything was normal. I did not believe her, convinced she was laughing at me hysterically albeit inaudibly.

 As I sat in my new clean bed I was not yet humbled, only embarrassed by the security I felt in clean, dry underwear and my fresh hospital gown. I was looking forward to forgetting the incident and indulging in the comfort food of mashed potatoes and mango sorbet that I knew where on the way to my bedside.   My saving grace, Jon Stewart, accompanied me while I waited and tried to forget.

My food arrived and, given my present state of shame, I went directly for the mango sorbet. It was SOOOO good compared to wetting myself that I couldn’t take big enough bites. Bite four was the last bite. The meeting of mango sorbet, 3 days of stool softeners and enough milk of magnesia to evacuate a horse proved no match for my ill conditioned sphincter. Bite four triggered the ass avalanche. I thought I had to fart but I was seriously mistaken.  My bowel release was so rapid that I didn’t know what had happened until I tried to get up.  Fearing a bigger mess I had to use my call button and wait for a nurse, praying it would be a different one than had cleaned me earlier. I waited for 15 minutes and NO ONE came! I was wallowing in my own poo for almost 20 min before someone finally came into help me, the smell was reminiscent of rancid ego and sewer at that point. Turns out another patient had gone into cardiac arrest on my floor moments before I shat myself consuming all available nurse resources (I know, how inconsiderate of them!).           

As soon as the nurse showed I burst into tears like a little girl, “I ha..aa..d and aaaccident, I...I need help, it’s everywhere!”  I was prepared for the worst but the worst was already over. The nurse had nothing but calming, helpful things to say. She assured me that I was heavily medicated and these things happen. She insisted that nothing was wrong. She wiped the feces from my backside and legs with dignity and respect. She helped me without a single grimace or a frown. She changed my bedding and re-dressed me as if my comfort was her only concern. She simply did not respond to the stench or the abstract poo art I had made on the sheets and my gown. In that moment I felt truly humbled and blessed. In that moment I knew that the world was a good place and that humanity was not doomed. I now know, deep in my heart, that humbleness and humility still have a place in our society. I was blown away by this truly human exchange, it humbled me.  At the end of the day, shitting myself renewed my hope in the fundamental goodness of humanity :)